The rise
of the Apple Retail Store has created a new and exciting way
for Mac fanatics to enjoy Steve Jobs' MacWorld Expo Keynote
speeches: in the theater. It's a perfect compromise for those
who don't want to spend a grand on a west coast trip just for
a two-hour speech, but want something more substantial than
sitting at home and watching a postcard-sized QuickTime broadcast
on their Mac's screen. But two hours in an Apple Store theater
presents the Mac fanatic with a dilemma that never arose when
employing either of the two previous methods: when to take
a pee break without missing anything important.
Those who
attend the Keynote in person have already had their bladders
frozen
solid while they stood in the San Francisco cold for three
hours waiting to get in, so there's nothing to worry about
there. And even if those watching at home don't want to keep
an empty Coke bottle nearby in the spirit of Antonio Banderas
in "Assassins", home-bound viewers are probably no more
than fifteen feet from their own restroom anyway...meaning
that they won't miss more than a minute or two if they make
a mad dash for it. But at the Apple Store at The Falls in Miami,
for instance, the
nearest
restroom
seems to be about a half-mile away, down at the far end of
what has got to be the world's longest strip mall. So what
the mall-goer needs is a sure-fire hint to signal that the
next ten minutes of Steve's keynote are going to be entirely
dismissible,
so that they can make a run for it, yet still make it back
in time to see the direction of personal computing change forever.
So, in that
vein, here
are the ultimate tell-tale signs that your jog to the restroom
on Tuesday is cleared for takeoff:
Pentium
bake-off: At
some point, Steve will begin bragging about how the G5 is
the "world's fastest personal computer". This can only mean
that one of three things is about to occur: an overlong
piece of techno-babble from some geek from IBM, an engineering
lecture from Apple hardware guru Jon Rubenstein, or a head-to-head
competition between a G5 and a PC in which poor Phil Schiller
is stuck yet again manning the hopelessly overmatched PC.
The moment Steve mentions the word "speed", make a run for
it. When you get back, the PC will just be finishing up its
rendering of that Photoshop image.
Sacrificial
lamb from Redmond: With
the upcoming release of Virtual PC 2004 for the G5, Steve
will likely see fit to give a Microsoft representative a
sliver of time to show it off during the keynote. The only
fun part
is seeing just which poor soul Bill Gates has forced to go
before the horde of Mac users this year, to try
to convince us that Microsoft is not our enemy. Seems a bit
hypocritical
considering that when Bill G. himself crashed MacWorld Expo
in 1997, he did it from a safe distance by videophone. Unless
you like watching pandering met with stifled applause, skip
this bit and take your bathroom break here.
Pepsi
SuperBowl hype: With
a mere four weeks until Pepsi pays for an iTunes ad during
the SuperBowl to kick off a promotion in which Pepsi pays
for 100 million iTunes songs, Steve is sure to be trotting
out someone from the sugar water maker's top ranks who will
likely bore us to death with pre-programmed corporate speak.
So unless the Pepsi executive making the appearance happens
to be John Sculley himself, this might be an ideal time to
make a run for it.
Inevitable
iTunes plug from famous musicians: All
professional musicians love the iTunes Music Store. We know
that because in past Steve Jobs keynotes, we've been told
so by everyone from Mick Jagger to Bono to Dr. Dre to Sarah
McLachlan
to
Winton Marsalis to Moby to Seal to Alanis Morrissette. In
other words, By now Steve's likely already used up all the famous musicians
he has in his back pocket, and this time around he'll likely
have
to
resort
a few one-hit wonders or perhaps even his son's high school
marching band. And we already know that none of the Beatles
are going to be there. So unless Steve plans on trotting
out a reincarnated Elvis
Presley who claims he came back to life just so he could
record an exclusive track just for the iTunes Music Store,
don't count on missing much if you ditch the
celebrity endorsements this time around.
But no matter
how you choose to take your bathroom break during the keynote
address on Tuesday, just be sure you're back in your seat in
time for Steve to thank everyone, then turn as if to walk off
stage, only turn back and say, "oh, and one more thing...".
At this point in the show, the odds are fairly good that the
next thing to be unveiled will be a bit more substantial than
an AppleWorks 6.2.9 update.
See you in
the Tampa Apple Store on Tuesday. Just don't steal my seat if I
decide to take a restroom break during Phil Schiller's a cappella
rendition of "Somewhere over the Rainbow".
Click here
to read Bill's Blog.
Got your
own favorite time to take a restroom break during the keynote?
Just give me a
shout,
or share your thoughts over on the billpalmer.net
discussion boards. And if you haven't
joined the online
MUG yet, then you're not among the 253 coolest
Mac users on earth.
