billpalmer.net

Letters of Complaint

Dear Amazon,

You've got to make some major changes if you want your Marketplace to be anything other than a big blemish on your hard-earned brand name. When you went to Amazon and put something in your cart, it used to mean something. You knew you were buying direct from the world's most competent online retailer, with consistent policies, practices, and quality. But with the advent of Marketplace, it's not immediately clear who you might be buying what from, and you end up with situations where you place two items in your shopping cart that would normally qualify you for free shipping only to find that they want five dollars shipping for one item and forty dollars shipping for the other item because the latter is coming from some company you've never heard of and the former is coming from some kid in his parents' basement. But that's not half the problem, because when the kid in his basement ends up shipping you a box full of randomly selected parts instead of the item you ordered, you're pretty much on your own to solve it. Despite your claims that you're willing to get involved, you've basically set things up so it's just me and the kid in his basement going toe to toe until someone gives up. If I wanted to buy from eBay with all its uncertainty about whom I might be buying from or whether I can trust them, I'd just go buy from eBay. Until I see that you've done something to get a handle on this nonsense, I won't be buying another Amazon Marketplace item. And frankly, the hassle of having to examine every Amazon product I put in my cart to ensure it's not a Marketplace item is enough to make we want to not shop at Amazon at all.

Dear Cingular,

Four months into our marriage, and you've done nothing to impress me and everything to disappoint me. All cell phone service providers are a joke, but you, my dear, just might be the punchline. I could go ten paragraphs about all the crap you've pulled in the past four months, but you're already fully aware of it because it's a fundamental part of your business plan. Since you and I are legally bound to each other for awhile longer, I'll stick around until then. But don't expect me to stay one day longer than our pre-nup says I have to.

Dear Apple,

I fear you may have made a mistake by partnering with Cingular. I know I sure have.

Dear Comcast,

In the three weeks since we rekindled our old flame, you've also done nothing to impress me and any number of things to flabbergast me. You brought the wrong television equipment to my house and then failed to set it up properly, and your internet has gone down three times in three weeks. And then because you hadn't disappointed me thoroughly enough, I recommended you to a family member, and then you managed to screw up that installation even worse than you did mine. It's a good thing you and I aren't legally bonded to each other, because I don't see this relationship lasting long at all.

Dear Goodyear,

If my car broke down and I just happened to be in a Goodyear parking lot at the time, I'd get out of my car and push thing down the road to some other car repair place just so I wouldn't have to do business with a place that had a "Goodyear" logo on the wall.

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Ah, there. Now I feel better.