Wednesday, April 23, 2003
The Five Stages of Macintosh User
Norb writes in to ask, "What could possibly consist of a beginner, an intermediate or a proficient user?". I know that Norb is looking for a serious answer, and I promise I will provide one soon. But for some odd reason Norb's question brought to mind one of my favorite comedy routines of all time, Larry Miller's "The Five Stages of Drinking". So in that sprit, I thought I'd have a little fun with it. Call this, if you will, "The Five Stages of Macintosh User".
A user at "Stage 1" probably just bought his first Mac and is still settling in, while a Mac user who's reached "Stage 5" has seen it all and done it all to the point that he probably needs to participate in a few of Larry Miller's stages of drinking:
Technical Terms
Stage 1: uses words like "thingy" to describe the various parts of his computer.
Stage 2: knows a few technical words but spells them all phonetically.
Stage 3: always describes his computer in the most technical terms possible, but doesn't know what most of those terms mean.
Stage 4: has gone back to using words like "thingy" to describe the various parts of his computer, because he doesn't want people to realize that he's an expert user, for fear that he'll spend the rest of his life giving them free technical support.
Stage 5: is familiar with of thousands of technical computer terms, but refers to his car as a "thingy".
Internet usage
Stage 1: uses America Online for Internet access and thinks that everyone else does too.
Stage 2: has heard rumors of a "real" Internet out there, but doesn't believe it.
Stage 3: wants to get rid of AOL, but doesn't know of any other Internet providers.
Stage 4: would rather give up computing than use AOL.
Stage 5: went back to using AOL because he felt he needed a challenge.
Word processing
Stage 1: uses AppleWorks for word processing because it came with his computer.
Stage 2: uses AppleWorks but considers buying Microsoft Word because he figures any $400 word processor must be really good.
Stage 3: uses Microsoft Word because it has more features, but can't make any of them work.
Stage 4: has learned how to use every last feature of Micorsoft Word, then mourns the fact that he could have achieved world peace in less time.
Stage 5: uses AppleWorks because he just deleted Microsoft Word from his computer in a fit of rage.
Email habits
Stage 1: calls people on the phone to see if they received the email he just sent to them.
Stage 2: prints every email he receives, just to be on the safe side.
Stage 3: stops to check his email on the way to the bathroom at three in the morning.
Stage 4: sends email to the coworker in the next cubicle, just because he can.
Stage 5: sends email to himself just to see how long it takes before it shows up in his own inbox.
Thoughts on the original iMac
Stage 1: bought himself an original iMac, because it was cute.
Stage 2: now hates his original iMac, because it's still cute.
Stage 3: has four iMacs of varying ages, and has nicknames for each one.
Stage 4: turned his original iMac into a real live fishtank.
Stage 5: turned his original iMac into a fishtank, got bored with it, turned it back into a computer.
"Road Warrior" status
Stage 1: has an iBook but is afraid to take it out of the house.
Stage 2: takes his iBook with him on vacation, but keeps it in his suitcase the whole time.
Stage 3: takes his iBook on the airplane with him, and uses it to edit video.
Stage 4: takes his iBook on the airplane with him, tells people he's Steve Jobs, and signs autographs.
Stage 5: takes his iBook on the airplane with him, but only as a backup for the PowerMac G4 and Cinema Display that he also takes on the airplane with him.
Thoughts on Mac versus Windows
Stage 1: Coke versus Pepsi.
Stage 2: Coke versus Chek Cola.
Stage 3: Coke versus piss-water.
Stage 4: Coke versus being hit over the head with a Coke bottle.
Stage 5: Coke versus, well, Coke, because there are no other soft drinks, are there?
Definition of "Megahertz"
Stage 1: "the speed of a computer"
Stage 2: "millions of cycles per second"
Stage 3: "a simplistic and largely inaccurate attempt to measure the overall speed of a computer"
Stage 4: "a scam to get PC users to upgrade so they can have the same old crap, but faster"
Stage 5: he's likely to decapitate a PC user just for mentioning the word "Megahertz".
Peripheral collection
Stage 1: a $29 printer, and he wonders what the other USB ports could possibly be used for.
Stage 2: a scanner that he spent six months researching before he bought it, and so far he's used once, and now it lies under a stack of paper...somewhere.
Stage 3: an iPod, but he's disappointed that it doesn't "do" vinyl.
Stage 4: a digital video camcorder that he uses so often that his kids think it's an actual part of his face.
Stage 5: knows that the maximum number USB devices that can simultaneously be connected to one computer is 127, because he's reached it himself.
Mac websites frequented
Stage 1: reads apple.com's promotional material and believes every word of it.
Stage 2: reads the macintosh rumor sites and believes every word of it.
Stage 3: glances at MacCentral but only reads the headlines if they're in bold type.
Stage 4: always reads any article listed on MacSurfer, even if the article's only mention of "apple" is in reference to a fruitstand.
Stage 5: starts his own Mac website because he doesn't think there's enough of them out there already.
Alright, so I'm no comedian. But at least I gave you "The Five Stages of Drinking", so don't say I never did anything for you!
Norb writes in to ask, "What could possibly consist of a beginner, an intermediate or a proficient user?". I know that Norb is looking for a serious answer, and I promise I will provide one soon. But for some odd reason Norb's question brought to mind one of my favorite comedy routines of all time, Larry Miller's "The Five Stages of Drinking". So in that sprit, I thought I'd have a little fun with it. Call this, if you will, "The Five Stages of Macintosh User".
A user at "Stage 1" probably just bought his first Mac and is still settling in, while a Mac user who's reached "Stage 5" has seen it all and done it all to the point that he probably needs to participate in a few of Larry Miller's stages of drinking:
Technical Terms
Stage 1: uses words like "thingy" to describe the various parts of his computer.
Stage 2: knows a few technical words but spells them all phonetically.
Stage 3: always describes his computer in the most technical terms possible, but doesn't know what most of those terms mean.
Stage 4: has gone back to using words like "thingy" to describe the various parts of his computer, because he doesn't want people to realize that he's an expert user, for fear that he'll spend the rest of his life giving them free technical support.
Stage 5: is familiar with of thousands of technical computer terms, but refers to his car as a "thingy".
Internet usage
Stage 1: uses America Online for Internet access and thinks that everyone else does too.
Stage 2: has heard rumors of a "real" Internet out there, but doesn't believe it.
Stage 3: wants to get rid of AOL, but doesn't know of any other Internet providers.
Stage 4: would rather give up computing than use AOL.
Stage 5: went back to using AOL because he felt he needed a challenge.
Word processing
Stage 1: uses AppleWorks for word processing because it came with his computer.
Stage 2: uses AppleWorks but considers buying Microsoft Word because he figures any $400 word processor must be really good.
Stage 3: uses Microsoft Word because it has more features, but can't make any of them work.
Stage 4: has learned how to use every last feature of Micorsoft Word, then mourns the fact that he could have achieved world peace in less time.
Stage 5: uses AppleWorks because he just deleted Microsoft Word from his computer in a fit of rage.
Email habits
Stage 1: calls people on the phone to see if they received the email he just sent to them.
Stage 2: prints every email he receives, just to be on the safe side.
Stage 3: stops to check his email on the way to the bathroom at three in the morning.
Stage 4: sends email to the coworker in the next cubicle, just because he can.
Stage 5: sends email to himself just to see how long it takes before it shows up in his own inbox.
Thoughts on the original iMac
Stage 1: bought himself an original iMac, because it was cute.
Stage 2: now hates his original iMac, because it's still cute.
Stage 3: has four iMacs of varying ages, and has nicknames for each one.
Stage 4: turned his original iMac into a real live fishtank.
Stage 5: turned his original iMac into a fishtank, got bored with it, turned it back into a computer.
"Road Warrior" status
Stage 1: has an iBook but is afraid to take it out of the house.
Stage 2: takes his iBook with him on vacation, but keeps it in his suitcase the whole time.
Stage 3: takes his iBook on the airplane with him, and uses it to edit video.
Stage 4: takes his iBook on the airplane with him, tells people he's Steve Jobs, and signs autographs.
Stage 5: takes his iBook on the airplane with him, but only as a backup for the PowerMac G4 and Cinema Display that he also takes on the airplane with him.
Thoughts on Mac versus Windows
Stage 1: Coke versus Pepsi.
Stage 2: Coke versus Chek Cola.
Stage 3: Coke versus piss-water.
Stage 4: Coke versus being hit over the head with a Coke bottle.
Stage 5: Coke versus, well, Coke, because there are no other soft drinks, are there?
Definition of "Megahertz"
Stage 1: "the speed of a computer"
Stage 2: "millions of cycles per second"
Stage 3: "a simplistic and largely inaccurate attempt to measure the overall speed of a computer"
Stage 4: "a scam to get PC users to upgrade so they can have the same old crap, but faster"
Stage 5: he's likely to decapitate a PC user just for mentioning the word "Megahertz".
Peripheral collection
Stage 1: a $29 printer, and he wonders what the other USB ports could possibly be used for.
Stage 2: a scanner that he spent six months researching before he bought it, and so far he's used once, and now it lies under a stack of paper...somewhere.
Stage 3: an iPod, but he's disappointed that it doesn't "do" vinyl.
Stage 4: a digital video camcorder that he uses so often that his kids think it's an actual part of his face.
Stage 5: knows that the maximum number USB devices that can simultaneously be connected to one computer is 127, because he's reached it himself.
Mac websites frequented
Stage 1: reads apple.com's promotional material and believes every word of it.
Stage 2: reads the macintosh rumor sites and believes every word of it.
Stage 3: glances at MacCentral but only reads the headlines if they're in bold type.
Stage 4: always reads any article listed on MacSurfer, even if the article's only mention of "apple" is in reference to a fruitstand.
Stage 5: starts his own Mac website because he doesn't think there's enough of them out there already.
Alright, so I'm no comedian. But at least I gave you "The Five Stages of Drinking", so don't say I never did anything for you!
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